I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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