Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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