if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
