Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Come share oat with me in your robe
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
