And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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