Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
