Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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