I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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