I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Your face is a jimmy john
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
