two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
