Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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