Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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