we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
