I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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