i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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