i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
