I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
