I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
