I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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