Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
