I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
