Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
