So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
