i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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