Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
