he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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