I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
