This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
