Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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