dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You ruined the universe
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
