my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
