when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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