the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
