He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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