So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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