I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
