Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
