I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
