I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
