Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
