she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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