Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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