Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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