i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
