I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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