Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Come share oat with me in your robe
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
