I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
