I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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