Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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