You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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